The past week has been interesting. I’ve been catching up with quite a few of my female friends, which means relationship talk, but I’m not mad, it gives me more to think and write about.
From talking to these wonderful women the topic of why and when to walk away has been weighing upon my mind. I’m a firm believer that that we (as Christians and non-time wasters) should ever be dating without the intention of a future with that person. Dating in my opinion should never be used as a time killer or a space filler. Instead… maybe… I don’t know… you could get to know yourself and learn to enjoy your own company? (Not saying it’s always easy).
Anyway lets get into what this post is all about. But first let me state that there are obviously a heap of important reasons to call quits on a relationship i.e. physical abuse, emotional blackmail, cheating, constant pain. But this post is going to focus on top reasons to leave other than the dangerous and obvious.
One of my friends stated this week that the number one reason to walk away from a (loving) relationship is unsurity on the other parties side. But, I don’t know? I don’t think that it is a realistic expectation to think that your partner will never ever have doubts about you. Doubts are natural. People often have doubts about their career, their relationships, God, essentially everything. If anything I think we should ensure that we stop and ponder to whom we are uniting our existence with through marriage, from time to time (obviously this should be done as thoroughly as possible pre-relationship). I don’t think doubts should ever be the number one reason to call it quits, unless these doubts are constantly reoccurring and causing massive amounts of pain when shared.
To me the number one reason to walk away should be confirmation. Meaning that person has sat down, thought everything through and have consciously decided they no longer want you, and tell you this.
This week, my friend and I were discussing post-relationship unsurity. And by that I mean… Male/ female end relationship without any tangible/ seemingly sufficient reason. Female/ male on the receiving end are slightly getting caught up thinking about the good times (forgetting the pain) and start wondering ‘what if?’, spending time imagining the day they will pull up in front of your house, with flowers/ some man present (what is your version of flowers?), saying they cannot possibly live without you. We need to get out of our imaginations, this is no movie!
I’ve spoken to so many female friends, who struggle post- relationship and cannot seem to break the attachment that they have with their ex. Why? Mainly because they continue to speak to them (rubber band effect, pull the rubber band and you will spring back together). But not only this, but often because we simply do not ask out ex-partners what’s going on in their mind.
For example…. from the things Laura is saying when they speak, Ryan is thinking that ‘she may want me back’. Why? Because Laura is making Ryan a bit gassed after they speak when she tells him that ‘you’ve made me day better’ or ‘thank you for calling… I appreciate it’ or ‘I miss you, felt just like old times.’ Sometimes it’s the little things that can be majorly misinterpreted, especially when emotions are still involved.
For me, I think that we’re too caught up with the feeling of ‘power.’ Let me explain… when a toxic relationship ends and both sides know things were not working. The recipient of the break-up, often isn’t even that upset that things have ended. What they are more upset by is that they didn’t get there first. That they weren’t the ones to end things and therefore that they are not the ones left with the ‘power.’
We’re so caught up having the ‘power’ that we don’t do what could simplify everything for both Ryan and Laura. Ryan could simply ask Laura ‘I know we’ve broken up, but do you ever see us getting back together?’ This question provides the clarity both need! They both know where they stand. They can stop talking for at least a good year, so there is no chance of them springing back together.
To me what this comes down to is pride (humility is underrated). We don’t ask the questions we really want to ask, we’re not real with one another and we therefore end up spending months or years wondering ‘what if?’ and waiting for our day dream to come true. When it never will.
Don’t stay caught up on your ex… forget the power (power won’t bring you peace), ask them the hard questions, so you can stop feeling hopeful and move on (and you never know, you may end up getting back together because the feelings are mutual).
As always I pray this post saves you time, energy and emotions. X